The Parts of You That Lead
What Pressure Reveals About Who You Are as a Leader
I have always had a strong sense of responsibility.
When I was first starting to lead, it was one of the things that helped me.
If I said I would do something, I did it. If something wasn't working, I felt responsible for helping fix it. If there was a gap, I stepped into it. I was prepared and followed through. I worried about the things that could go wrong and tried to make sure they didn't.
People could count on me.
That sense of responsibility helped me earn increasingly bigger leadership roles. And as the roles got bigger, so did the responsibility.
For a long time, I saw that almost entirely as a strength — it took me longer to recognize its shadow.
What do I mean by shadow? Sometimes responsibility could also make me hold things too tightly. If I felt responsible for the outcome, I wanted to make sure we got there. And if I could see a path that I believed would get us there, it could be difficult to create enough space for another path to emerge. Not because I didn't value other people's ideas, but because letting go of the path also meant letting go of some control over the outcome. And I wasn't always comfortable with that.
That realization helped me realize that my sense of responsibility wasn't either a strength or a weakness.
It could be both.
When Our Strengths Cast Shadows
I've seen this in other parts of my leadership, too.
I value harmony. That has helped me build relationships, bring people together, and work across differences. It has also, at times, made me slower to engage friction that needed to be addressed.
I am a problem solver. That has been enormously useful in a career spent working on complex problems. It can also mean that I start looking for the solution before I've fully understood the problem, or before I've given someone else enough room to find an answer I wouldn't have considered.
I am comfortable stepping forward when things are uncertain, but I've also had to learn that leading in uncertainty isn't the same as eliminating uncertainty. That's a hard distinction for someone who feels deeply responsible for what happens next.
And that's where this idea of the shadow has become interesting to me.
Not as something dark or inherently negative, but as the parts of ourselves that may be harder for us to see — or harder for us to acknowledge — and that still influence how we lead.
Pressure Reveals Things
We tend to think about our leadership strengths as qualities we should develop more of.
Be more decisive, accountable, confident, empathetic, drive….the list goes on.
But almost any strength can look different when we are under pressure, afraid, tired, challenged, or deeply invested in an outcome.
Responsibility can become control.
Confidence can become certainty.
Empathy can make boundaries harder.
Drive can become impatience.
Pressure doesn't necessarily create these things, but it can make them easier to see.
Some of the clearest opportunities I've had to recognize this in myself have come during high-pressure leadership roles. When the stakes are high, my instinct is still to move toward the problem. I want to understand it. I want to figure out what needs to happen. And I want to help get us there.
That instinct has served me extraordinarily well. But over time, I've learned to ask myself another question:
Does this moment need me to step in — or does it need me to make more room?
Stepping in can feel like responsibility.
Giving direction can feel like clarity.
Holding onto a decision can feel like accountability.
And sometimes that's exactly what those things are.
But sometimes, underneath them, is something else:
I'm uncomfortable not knowing how this is going to turn out.
That's harder to admit.
Because then the leadership work isn't just about solving the problem in front of me — it's about understanding what's happening inside me while I'm trying to solve it.
When Something Gets Activated
I think difficult moments can be especially revealing.
Conflict, being challenged, not knowing the answer, or watching something move in a direction we wouldn't have chosen.
You can feel that something important is outside your control. Those moments can activate parts of us that don't show up as readily when everything is going well.
I've seen that with my desire for harmony. I genuinely value relationships and want people to feel heard and respected, but there have been times when preserving harmony made me slower to have a conversation that needed to happen.
I've had to learn that avoiding friction isn't the same as creating trust.
I've seen it with certainty, too. When I feel strongly about something, particularly when something important is at stake, I can become very clear about what I think needs to happen. Clarity can be valuable, but clarity without curiosity can close a conversation before it really begins.
So I've learned to ask myself different questions.
Why am I reacting so strongly?
What feels threatened here?
What am I trying to protect?
Am I holding onto something because the situation requires it, or because letting go makes me uncomfortable?
What might someone else see that I don't?
And one of the hardest:
What if someone else's path gets us somewhere better than mine?
I Don't Want Less Responsibility
This is important.
The lesson I've taken from all of this isn't that I need to stop being responsible. Responsibility is deeply connected to some of the things I value most about myself as a leader. I want people to know they can count on me. I want to follow through. I want to care deeply about the outcome.
The same is true of many of the qualities I've had to examine more closely.
I don't want to care less about relationships because harmony can sometimes become avoidance.
I don't want to stop solving problems because I can occasionally move too quickly toward a solution.
I don't want to become less decisive because certainty can sometimes crowd out curiosity.
The work isn't getting rid of those parts of myself.
It's recognizing when a strength has begun to work against what the moment actually needs.
When am I taking responsibility for something that belongs to someone else?
When am I providing needed direction, and when am I narrowing the possibilities?
When am I creating clarity, and when am I trying to eliminate uncertainty because uncertainty makes me uncomfortable?
And can I notice the difference soon enough to make another choice?
I don't always.
But I notice more than I used to.
Seeing More of Ourselves
Maybe that's part of what growth in leadership looks like. I have spent a lot of time discovering my strengths and proving that I could use them. Over time, I've had to learn something different: how to recognize when those same strengths aren't what the moment needs from me.
That requires seeing more of myself.
Not just knowing who I am when I'm leading at my best.
But noticing:
Who shows up when I'm tired?
Who shows up when I'm challenged?
Who shows up when I don't know what to do?
Who shows up when something important feels outside my control?
And then creating enough space between what I feel and what I do to make a choice.
That's what I'm exploring this month. The parts of ourselves that lead alongside the parts we readily claim.
The strengths — and their shadows.
Both are part of our leadership.
The parts of ourselves we don't examine don't disappear — yhey just get to lead without our permission.
Affirmation for This Month:
I can be curious about all the parts of myself that show up when I lead.
I can value my strengths while recognizing when they begin to work against me.
I can loosen my grip, make room for other possibilities, and trust myself even when I don't know how things will turn out.
What shows up when the pressure rises?
This month, I invite you to pay attention to the parts of yourself that may become louder when you're under pressure, challenged, uncertain, or deeply invested in an outcome.
What strength might you be holding too tightly? What are you trying to protect or control? Where might fear, identity, or the need for certainty be shaping your response? And what becomes possible when you notice what's happening and give yourself the space to choose differently?
Growth isn't about getting rid of these parts of ourselves. It's about seeing them more clearly, so they don't get to lead without our awareness.
If this month's theme resonates with you, I'd love to continue the conversation.
